The invisible hand of the flea market is very tiny

I once had sex with a performance artist but left before it was over

I gotta remember to go back and finish that ADDHD screening test I was taking

I'm so self-absorbed I don't urinate

Agnes Martin lived off the grid

If I had a battle scar, I would call it battle scar galactica

If Kevin Bacon gets Covid, we're all doomed

I went to see my chiropractor because I had back issues ... of People magazine to donate for his waiting room

I just bought a breadbox but I have no way to describe to you how big it is

If someone had their “ASS handed to them” and they had a really great ass, would that be so bad?

Am I hearing so many sirens today because of criminal activity or am I being lured to a rocky shore?

After "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" was repealed, I was really hoping Adam Ant would repeal "Don’t Drink Don’t Smoke"

I've got 99 problems but a luftballoon ain't one

I still want to know who the dick is who ate the plums out of my ice box and left a poem in their place!

We have Opossums in our backyard...Those things are hideous...Who Brought Opossums over from Ireland Anyway?

I just pulled my leg, I wish I had deceived myself instead

I really love Perrier, I go through that stuff like it’s water

The thing I don’t like about the Mamas and the Papas is their songs

I just got back from the Roland Barthes Home & Museum… THAT PLACE IS DISGUSTING...Somebody left a Floating Signifier in the Men’s Room

I hate Malcom Gladwell BUT I wanna spend 10,000 hours getting really good at hating Malcom Gladwell

Why don’t they call Cappuccinos made
with Almond Milk Al-Puccinos?

I just got a Beta Fish...If it all works out I’m gonna get a fish

Why wouldn’t you just sell hotcakes in the first place?

The Bride of Frankenstein should just go by her Maiden Name

I just shaved my beard in order to help raise awareness of my chin

Why can’t I refer to the denizens of Little Italy as Little Italians?

These Elderberries have been around a long time

Your Mama’s Armpits are So Deep, Heidegger has to put on her Right Guard for her

People say James Dean was a loner, it’s sad that he died but it’s really cool that he let people borrow his stuff

I’m so easily duped, I’m surprised there aren’t two of me

I minored in genetics so I can tell you for a fact that every idiot has at least one parent who was a fucking idiot

If you think the essence of modernism lies in the use of the characteristic methods of a discipline to criticize the discipline itself, not in order to subvert it but in order to entrench it more firmly in its area of competence then you might be a redneck